Would I have had an abortion?

It was at my 20-week scan when I was told about my unborn baby. Like most mothers I went in with the excitement of finding out the gender only to find out something quite different.

‘His brain has not fully formed’, I listened blankly to what they found from the scan as if it didn’t come as a shock to me. It was devastating leaving the building no longer with hopes and dreams but instead with leaflets of abortion and a lost me.

Even though it was suggested by medical professionals at every scan, midwife appointment and consultation from then on, abortion was out of the question for me. Not just from an Islamic point of view, but for me as a person. I would never be able to live with myself. Whatever I was told about my baby by the doctors, whatever chances they gave, the numbers, the stats, the prognosis, none of that mattered to me.

My baby deserves the chance to be born.

My baby deserves the opportunity to live, for however long he does. Whether it be a few moments, hours, days or years. Who am I to cut his life short? I should give my unborn child the chance to fight.

I felt numb after the 20-week scan. People who knew me tell me how I withdrew myself from the world and ‘turned cold’. I didn’t buy any baby clothes or items during the rest of the pregnancy. Apart from the onesie I purchased straight after my 20 week scan. It allowed me to dream that my baby will be ok but it also was there incase he wouldn’t be. I would have something that was his at least.

My organiser filled up quickly with weekly appointments with tests and consultations. A week after the scan I had a fetal MRI, which was a horrible experience physically as well as mentally. I felt suffocated and claustrophobic shoved in that tube with my bump, being told to hold my breath in for longer than I thought I could. But this MRI gave more details of my baby’s brain. The ‘cerebellum’ and the ‘brain stem’ were underdeveloped and this I was told could lead to many medical problems. Although the neurologist wasn’t sure to what severity. He went on to explain how the cerebellum controls breathing, kidney function, temperature, balance , muscles and vision and so to expect some form of special needs.

‘We do not know to what severity this condition will affect your baby’.

What did that even mean? My baby could be lucky and get away with suffering with mild needs or be doomed with the severe side of this neurological condition, impacting his life dramatically. This neurological condition to which we had no name for yet.

How could they offer me the option to abort my baby over a vague analysis such as this, where everything is unknown? Why is this word so easily thrown around? Throughout the rest of the pregnancy it felt like I was encouraged to think about it at each appointment. I know they were just doing their job incase I had changed my mind, but I was angry and upset inside. I understand the medical staff are trained to give this option when it fits the criteria but it hurt that my baby did fit the criteria.

I spent countless hours staring at my baby’s brain scan and googling, trying to find images similar to his scan. Researching what condition my baby could possibly have. I turned to praying and not speaking to anyone much, the joy of pregnancy was sucked out of me. I don’t think my family quite knew what to say to me, or how to act around me and I know I didn’t help matters much as anxiety overruled.

I didn’t converse in conversation. I wasn’t looking forward to anything. I didn’t want anyone’s pity either.

My twin sister came to my house one day with a big box filled with baby stuff; nappies, wipes, sudacream, baby vests and baby-grows. ‘You haven’t bought anything yet Asia, so I thought I’d make a start’. I thanked her but I didn’t want to look through the box yet.

I have to say, I felt a flutter of excitement when I rummaged through the box a few days later, it had awoken my maternal love.

Would I have had an abortion if I knew what I know now?

Some may say it is cruel for a child to live with a severe medical condition. Some may feel they wouldn’t be able to cope with a child with special needs. Some may not want this kind of life for their child, so they abort out of love. Whatever their reason, it’s their reason. I can understand that.

In fact, I sometimes catch myself now wondering whether I had made the right decision or not, six years ago, sat on that plastic chair.

Thought’s enter my mind when I see my precious boy battle through all his hospital admissions, struggling to breathe, struggling with infections, being incredibly ill and battling to survive. It’s a regular occurrence, hospital is his life now. Guilt of having decided to give birth to him six years ago makes me crumble as I watch him deteriorate so quick, as I watch his condition progress and take over his life. This condition which is hurting him, making him suffer and slowly killing him.

Should I have just saved him all this misery?

If i could rewind time, If I knew then what I know now, would I have made a different decision? Would I have had an abortion?

I think this question will always come up in mind through Azaans patches of bad health, along with the feeling of guilt. I don’t know the answer, but deciding to give azaan the opportunity of life, I’ll never regret that . The guilt watching him come close to death so many times is the reason why I do regret it.

Abortion is a huge topic which should be openly discussed, not a topic where someone is made to feel judged, whether they decide to go ahead with it or whether they decide not to.

Whatever the reason, it’s your story and no two stories are the same.